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Online Dating Advice for the Shy

iChat Media Solutions — Fri, 23 May 2008 05:15:24 +0000

One of the local newspapers here in Pittsburgh has an advice column which I discovered today. I’m not a fan of these columns because, in most cases, the columnists answer questions as if everything is overly simple. They also come off as overly-confident to me; as if no detail they are unaware of could possibly affect what good advice might consist of. I suppose, though, if you offer advice for a living then it is actually your job to simplify problems confidently…and that’s fine. It’s just not for me so I don’t read them very often.

Today’s article caught my eye, though, so I decided to read it: an admittedly shy and recently divorced man is trying online dating but isn’t finding any success. He asks how people who have not been dating for an extended time can get back into the swing of things. Unfortunately, the answer contained the standard “don’t be shy” which is a polite way of saying “don’t be yourself”. The columnist actually stated it as “ditch the shyness for bravery”. Riiiight.

This is what I don’t understand: if someone who had a stuttering problem wrote in would the answer be “don’t stutter” or “ditch the stuttering for clear speaking”. I sure hope not! Advice like this would be considered rude but when applied to something abstract like shyness, well, that’s different. In that case we feel we can look at someone and simply tell them to stop it. To me, the very suggestion that shy people want to be shy or that they can simply turn it off is ridiculous.

I agree with the columnist that it is best to approach people in the real world as well as in online dating but would say forget this idea that a person can suddenly become outgoing from willpower alone. Approaching someone when you are extremely nervous (even if you pretend you’re not) is likely going to end badly. So how can you approach someone if you are a shy person? The answer is not becoming outgoing or “brave”. The answer is becoming comfortable.

Having said all that, after looking at the columnist’s web site I found that I like much of her advice. In particular, many of the articles here are well worth a read – even the ones not related to dating! I just can’t bring myself agree with her “stop being shy” advice. I was shy when I started online dating and I’m still shy today but somehow, even without faking confidence or bravery, I found the love of my life. I am glad that I did not have to sacrifice who I am in my search for someone else. I don’t think anyone should have to.

A few other thoughts for any shy people out there who are frustrated with online dating:

Don’t be overly obsessed with finding that “perfect match” early on. If you are shy, one of the most important things you can do is go on as many dates as possible. This process will help create the comfort I mention above. At one point I was averaging two first dates a week from online dating sites alone. During this time I approached women at bars and parties and I have NEVER done that at any other point in my life. I was comfortable because I had nothing to lose! My dating schedule was so crazy that I often felt relieved when getting turned down (and I only continued trying because, for the first time in my life, I was actually enjoying it).
A lack of responses does not mean no one finds you interesting/attractive. There are many reasons why some communication is never returned.
Some things are simply out of your control. For example, I lived in Pittsburgh when I was single which happens to be one of the worst cities for singles in the United States.

Humanity, Love and Relationships

iChat Media Solutions — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:42:15 +0000

Humanity is an element that enforces love and relationship. Humanity illustrates humane, and shows qualities of human creation throughout the course of the lifetime. Humans have mechanisms created inside of them that compose all the elements that make love grow. The elements of trust, honesty, hope, dreams, loyalty, faithfulness, self-control, long-suffering, communication, listen, hear, et cetera makeup a human being. Compassion, consideration, emotions, thoughts, fantasies, and strength also compose a human being. When a person lacks humane, humanity love and relationships are short-lived, and rarely does the person live a productive lifestyle. Humans come in all forms, and sometimes-mental patterns are off balance due to mental illnesses, physical ailments, and/or ungodly teachings. Opinions, theories and philosophy often lead up to problems throughout human existence simply because everyone thinks they have all the answers to the questions that promote life. Persons with mental illnesses are often left without love, since philosophers or therapists left the notion in people’s heads that these people are not capable of loving someone else. This has proven throughout the years to be an outright lie, since mental ill people love everyday, and often seek out true love and provides devotion to their relationships. Sure, there are few types of people that do not have the ability to love (or else love the way humanity expects), but these types of people often have mental illnesses that include dangerous ailments. Psychopathic individuals have developed relationships and worked through the relationships, but still these people often cause harm, or have harmful intentions. Many believe that psychopathic minds are dangerous minds, or murderous minds, but this is not true. Thus, theories, opinions and philosophers have left a trail of broken relationships by inserting notions into minds around the world. Down through the years lack of humanity has lead to failure in love and relationships. Inhumane acts consist of lacking respect for mates. When a person fails to respect the mate, the relationship often deteriorates if the partner fails to learn to respect the right of the other. Again, this is where beliefs and standards come in, since stepping on your mates belief and standards often leads to chaos. The traditions and basic laws of love and relationships are ever altering, which most times guides love into the wrong direction. At what time persons are, give the wrong impression about how love works the minds of humanity turn into an evolutionary root that leads to nothing. Thus, belief, traditions, and standards are the root of humankind and when those roots are altered by influential notions relationships tend to become frustrating rather than loving. Many times a relationship can find resolve in both parties work together to remove the problems that cause destruction. Jealousy is one of the leading causes of divorce and separation, yet jealousy is understated and overstated in most instances. A couple may strike out of jealousy for various reasons including one partner making more income than the other partner does. Thus, this is a common problem in the world and many of the complainers are men. Men focus on pride and dignity often, which creates another problem in relationships and love. When the spouse or partner is not meeting his demands, chaos and arguments usually develop. Thus, nowadays it takes two people, or rather four people to make ends meet. Therefore, amount of income generated in the home should not be a problem, rather a reward if financial obligations are met. Other problems such as lack of performance in love and relationship drain partners and thus separation and/or divorce often results. When one partner is not fulfilling his/her obligations, or else using sex as a weapon to get their way; or else showing lack of interest in the other partner, failure surely will follow. Thus, relationships include giving and taking. When one partner is giving more than the other is, failure is surely to result. Giving includes intimacy, caring, sharing, et cetera. When two people share they are giving the best of each other, thus the relationship often leads to love. Giving is one of the elements that compose love, yet other mechanisms are essential to make love last.

Friends in Love and Relationships

iChat Media Solutions — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:19:39 +0000

Friends are a form of relationship built on different types of love. When man and woman joins in love and relationship, intimacy labors throughout the arrangement, however in friendship a different type of intimacy exists that makes the relationship work. Friendship, as intimate relationships work with the exception that sex is not in the arrangement in some instances. Some friends join in friendship and later commit to sexual relations, thus leading to commitment or else separation.
Friendships that are long lasting usually have the ingredients to make the relationship work. Friends may cause each other agitation, frustration, or unintentional harm down the road in the relationship, yet the two will work together to make it work by finding a resolve.
Friendship is a form of commitment between two or more people, and often friends join in activities, entertainment, and communication. True friends will prove true to the end of the relationship. Friends will not interfere with each other’s life, unless the friend sees the need to address an issue that is causing the friend harm, or in the making of causing him/her harm.
True friends in love and relationships will not hold back any punches when addressing issues with friends. While the friend will not hold back any punches, he/she will use consideration of the person’s feelings and emotions when addressing issues. Friends have your back, which is a symbol of love displayed on their part, and friends that endure throughout the trials and tribulations of the relationship, show love since long-suffering and self-control are visual.
Friends in love and relationship may fight at times, but both parties will apologize for his/her part that instigated the disagreement. Friends will tell you when you are wrong, thus again not holding back any punches, while considering you.
Friends that develop into intimate relationships, often work through the arrangement regardless of the storms laid on their plates. Friendship before intimacy is smart, since the two have an overview of the others behaviors, habits, personality, skills, et cetera.
Love and relationships built on true friendship will last through habits, behaviors, personality flaws, et cetera, providing violence or repeated actions of inconsideration and disrespect is ongoing.
When mates disrespect each other, or show inconsideration ongoing, thus, the relationship will fail, since friendship, love and elements that compose love are lacking.
Disrespect expands further than most people think. Thus, learning beliefs, traditions, and standards is smart when considering love and relationships. Thus, starting out as friends will help you see through the person’s behaviors, habits and personality, what makes him or her up as a person. The makeup of the person will include an insight of standards, traditions, and beliefs.
Beliefs are tricky, since nowadays standards are lower than ever, thus beliefs are often overlying inconsistency and dishonesty. When a person has lack of evidence to support their beliefs, thus faulty thinking is underlying the mind.
Beliefs are either concrete or superficial. To convince me that a person is worth my time, the person better have some realness in light. Thus, superficial beliefs rarely stand firm, thus the person is obviously heading in the wrong direction, and thus the relationship may or may not last.
As you can see, what determines the outlook of friendship, love and relationships depends on the makeup of the persons involved?
What about compatibility, where does it play in friendship, love and relationships…
Compatibility by definition means to exist together in agreement. When two people join in agreement the relationship may or may not last, since down the road can you determine if one person’s mind will change? People live life and gain experience and wisdom along the path, thus a shallow minded person might stumble upon information that changes his/her mind forever.
Thus, incompatibility according to definition means to cause a disturbance by inconvenience and distress. While the definition illustrates a failure down the road, many relationships built on incompatibility proved enduring, since down the road minds changed when facts were gathered leading to convictions.
Thus, conviction is devastating. When you have truth, you have conviction, thus no one can argue with you…therefore, relationships can last in friendship and in love and relationships.

What’s This Blog For ?

iChat Media Solutions — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:13:42 +0000

Thanks for visiting our blog.

This is the place where we’ll post random thoughts and ideas on love and relationships.

Sometimes these will be relationship tips and ideas.

Sometimes our info that we’ll post will be info about soulmates, divorce, men, women marriage, jealousy, communication and more. We will ocassionally post something about personal and spiritual growth.

Who knows? We want this to be fun.

In addition, we’ll also keep you up to date on the many projects we’re working on here.

Many Blessings to you

Thanks again for visiting.

Relationship Coaches

Susie and Otto Collins

http://www.Collinspartners.com

http://www.RelationshipGold.com

http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com

http://www.All-About-Jealousy.com

http://www.PersonalGrowthPlanet.com

http://www.StayorGo.com

http://www.RelationshipTrust.com

Ugly Men and Hot Women

iChat Media Solutions — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:09:11 +0000

The New York Daily News published an article today, March 26th that describes a study that found women who marry uglier men then themselves, have a happier marriage. The study came from the Journal of Family Psychology and was based on interviews with 82 newlywed couples.

Both spouses tended to behave more positively when wives were more attractive than their husbands and more negatively when husbands were more attractive than their wives,” said the study by UCLA.

The study found that physical attraction for long term compatablilty was much more important to men than women.

“Physical attractiveness is not as important to women, in contrast, relative attractiveness may only affect them through its effect on their husbands,” the study says.

The full article can be found at http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2008/03/26/2008-03-26_when_shes_hot__hes_not_theres_better_sho.html

loops

iChat Media Solutions — Wed, 14 May 2008 06:09:12 +0000

Funny thing, it is, I think, the first time I’ve heard Armin van Buuren. But I’m still not sure that this is worth it. You saw the radar and its three hour loop. The isolated storm cell passed north of us. And with it went cooler air.

Would You Ever Marry Again?

iChat Media Solutions — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:27:11 +0000

If you have been married and then gone through a divorce, would you marry again?

So many people in our modern society seem to go through this whole marriage and divorce routine, often more than once. So what is it that makes people do this? What makes someone want to marry in the first place? Sure when we first marry, we do not do it expecting to get a divorce (or do some people do that?) Sadly, though, many marriages do end up in divorce. So why is it that even after an unsuccessful marriage and then a divorce, many people still seek to get married again?

What are people looking for? What are they looking for in marriage? There must be something special about marriage that draws people even after a previous relationship has ended in divorce.

So, if you have been married and divorced … would you marry again? Why? What is it you are looking for?

Cultivating Equanimity…

iChat Media Solutions — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:26:28 +0000

Cultivating Equanimity
by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

To feel true compassion for all beings, we must remove any partiality from our attitude toward them. Our normal view of others is dominated by fluctuating and discriminating emotions. We feel a sense of closeness toward loved ones. Toward strangers or acquaintances we feel distant. And then for those [...]

Would You Ever Marry Again?

iChat Media Solutions — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:21:33 +0000

If you have been married and then gone through a divorce, would you marry again?

What are people looking for? What are they looking for in marriage? There must be something special about marriage that draws people even after a previous relationship has ended in divorce.

So, if you have been married and divorced … would you marry again? Why? What is it you are looking for?

…Dammit…such a fool…sent a message to my ex!!

iChat Media Solutions — Mon, 12 May 2008 01:21:22 +0000

DAMN. I did it. I caved. I hadn’t spoke/written to my ex since the break-up which was on Tuesday.

Today, I sent him a message that said "I miss you today".

I am so embarrassed. What is wrong with me?? I feel so stupid!!